By Rajiv Satyal
I know how you can do it. Because that’s how my fiancée got me.
1. Availability: A lot of us want the fairytale spotted-across-a-crowded-room-sweep-us-off-our-feet story (yes, men, too), but you’ve got real life to let it happen. A great piece of relationship advice is, don’t leave the biggest decision of your life to chance. Get online and make it happen.
Related Link: Dating Advice: The Psychology of Online Dating
2. Context: I was on several online dating sites: Match, eHarmony, Coffee Meets Bagel, and OkCupid (where we met). I was also on Shaadi.com (the Indian JDate). Sure, every now and then, you find a white girl on there and wonder, “Is she lost?” But OkC has that cool factor. And that’s where she was.
Related Link: 5 Pieces of Love Advice From Celebrity Couples in Long-Term Relationships
3. Name: Her handle was “calvinnhobs,” which was quirky and silly. Try to avoid too-common interests like FoodGirl and TraveLady. Everyone likes food and travel. Share something specific to you personally.
4. Visuals: Distant shots or only of your eyes don’t tell me much. It’s like a university guidebook. The pretty ones showed their campuses. The not-so-pretty ones had, like, a closeup shot of a brick. Don’t be shy.
5. Growth: OK, I know this can sound condescending but… she had some grammatical errors in her profile. I’m a total grammar geek, so it told me I could bring something to the table. It’s kind of like how women view a man who can’t quite dress – she can’t wait to take him shopping. If this seems too nitpicking, welcome to online dating.
6. Mother Figure: Couples will do lots of things together. But for couples who want them, the single biggest thing we’ll do is raise kids. As such, I’m looking for a mother. I search for clues to determine whether you’re a caretaker/caregiver. “I enjoy helping others through volunteering and teaching…. I always enjoy a good night cooking a great meal….Things I could never do without: Family.” Boom.
7. Specificity: She painted the picture of who she was. “I love all things science too, so if you can stand someone talking about the latest cholesterol guidelines, the latest pics from the Mars rover, and even the effects of global warming over coffee…you are very cool!”
8. Outreach: I was touched and flattered that she messaged me first, especially since she was in Texas and I was in California. I’d gotten to the point that I’d also increased my radius to the max: the options are something like 25 miles, 50 miles, 100 miles, desperate.
9. Humor: She was funny, using words like “snazzy” to describe my shoes, quotes from standup comedians, funny capitalizations. Little things, victimless humor. Expose your fun side, but save the really edgy comebacks for when we know each other. We’re looking for life partners, not bowling buddies.
10. Patience: She messaged me on April 30. I didn’t respond until May 14 as I was traveling. OK, so the first few days were my trying to play the game. But after that, I really did get busy. And what did she do? She waited. My love advice is, people who write you RIGHT BACK come off as needy. Almost everybody says, “I don’t want any drama.” I don’t think that’s true. No drama at all is boring. We all want a little – but just a little. And after she and I sent several messages back and forth, I asked her for her phone number, and we were offline.
11. Commitment: Within six months, we were engaged. I actually proposed to her when opening for Kevin Nealon. At that point, we figured it was probably time to disable our OkC profiles. I sent her one last note. And she replied – after a day.
Rajiv Satyal is a standup comedian from Cincinnati, Ohio, whose witty, universal, and TV-clean act resonates around the world by covering everything from racial issues to soap bottles to his favorite topic — himself (and his relationships). This University of Cincinnati engineer and former P&G marketer has repeatedly opened for Dave Chappelle, Maz Jobrani, Tim Allen, Kevin Nealon, and Russell Peters. Rajiv has garnered 4 million+ YouTube views, performed on three continents, and been featured on NBC, NPR, Nickelodeon, Fx, Netflix, Times Now, TV Asia, and Pandora, as well as in The Wall Street Journal, Advertising Age, The Huffington Post, India Abroad, The Cincinnati Enquirer, and the LA Times. You can find Rajiv regularly performing at the Laugh Factory and Improvs in Los Angeles, acting in commercials, doing improv, on TV, on XM and Sirius Satellite Radio, or admiring himself on his Funny Indian Fan Club on www.facebook.com/funnyindian.
