Cupid's Pulse Article: How To Break Up Without Breaking Them DownCupid's Pulse Article: How To Break Up Without Breaking Them Down

By Melanie Mar

We’ve all heard of the phrase “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” Hopefully it wasn’t being said to you. It’s a hard thing to let someone down, especially a person that cares for you more than you care for them. What does this phrase mean? Moreover, how can you express this sentiment to someone you care for deeply while causing the least amount of pain? We’ll explore some key ideas that can help you break the news as easily as possible:

Love: Humans need to give and receive love for emotional and physical reasons. In fact, there have been studies in orphanages that show physical contact is vital to well-being. Babies who are not held or nuzzled enough will literally stop growing, even if they are receiving proper nutrition. Literally loving one another is crucial to our overall wellness. Fortunately, mutual loving can be exchanged between close friends, family members and beloved pets. You don’t have to be exclusively romantic partners.

Related Link: Is it Okay To Dump Someone Via Text?

In love: Being “in love” is a precious, euphoric experience. This is a deeper bond that goes beyond the boundaries of love as defined above. Your significant other’s happiness and emotional needs are paramount to you. To be in love is a rare experience. Think of all the people you love and have loved in your life, then narrow that down to the chosen few that you were willing and hoping to spend forever with. I’m willing to bet that list shrunk considerably.

How do you tell someone “I love you but I’m not in love with you?”: This is not easy to say. However, if you don’t mirror someone else’s feelings, then it’s critical that you communicate it concisely and with compassion. It is incredibly important to keep it simple.

Related Link: Dating After Being Dumped: How To Avoid Messy Rebound Relationships

In a new relationship: It is easy to get caught up in that invigorating feeling when you meet someone new. Remember, that adrenaline rush could lead someone to mistake their intimate feelings for genuine love. If you don’t feel the same way, you need to be crystal clear about it.

When having this conversation with someone, you should be as courteous as possible. First, you need to say “thank you.” It takes a great deal of courage for someone to lay themselves bare. If you acknowledge their courage, it might help soften the blow. Next, you should explain your emotions. You shouldn’t make excuses or act defensively, but you should make it clear why you don’t reciprocate this person’s feelings. Finally, you need to look forward and explore your options. Maybe there’s someone else that has your eye, or maybe you’d benefit from being single. The choice is yours, but keep moving forward.

In an established relationship: The sense of calm, peace and stability one feels with a long-term partner can quite often transfer to boredom and apathy for the other. If you’re the bored party, don’t drag it out! Gently tell your partner that you feel a disconnection. Ask them if they feel the same. Regardless of what the answer is, a decision needs to be made on how willing you both are to commit. If it becomes apparent that the flame is extinguished, you should move on. In situations like these, relationship therapy has worked for some couples. It can help assist in understanding the root of the problem. This can help you end your relationship amicably, or help you find a route to a solution that keeps you together.

Melanie is a relationship and life coach, as well as co-owner of the Millionaire’s Club International Matchmaking Agency for the U.K. and Europe. She is certified by the WANT Institute in Androgynous Semantic Realignment and a Transaction Analysis practitioner certified by the United States America Transaction Analysis Association. Visit for more information.