Cupid's Pulse Article: After the Split: Get Past It in 4 StepsCupid's Pulse Article: After the Split: Get Past It in 4 Steps

By Marni Battista for

How to heal after a breakup

We’ve all been there. You just  broke up with a boyfriend, husband, or long-term partner. Whether you thought he was “The One” or the one of the month or year, it never feels good.

Breakups are always hard because they represent the loss of a shared commitment. Even breakups that make logical sense are still emotionally painful. Moving on can be difficult. However, there are essential steps to getting past this that can ensure less time to move from breakdown to breakthrough.

Here is the Dating with Dignity, “Break Over,” 4-Step Program to help you heal post-split.

4 Steps for Getting Past a Breakup

Step 1: Give yourself  permission to grieve the loss of your relationship. 

Even if it was the “right choice,” it still sucks. Whether it’s writing in your journal or talking with your sister, expressing you’re emotions will help you feel less alone. However, this does not mean that you should dwell on these negative feelings forever. Remind yourself that the end goal of your grieving process is to move forward.

Mentally check in with yourself while you’re feeling low. Ensure that you’re taking care of your basic needs (sleeping, eating, and exercising), maintaining friendships, and living your life while you’re healing. If you feel paralyzed by your emotions, or have a thought that you’ll never get out of the depression, you may want to seek professional help. This is a totally normal experience. Remember, YOU are your priority.

Step 2: Don’t go through your breakup alone.

Support from friends and family is a big key to getting past your breakup. Spend time with people who value you. Even though you may want to be alone, separating yourself from friends and family is not the way to go. Keep in mind that many people have gone through a painful breakup. Therefore, you friends can help you get there and remind you that you will heal. Surrounding yourself with love and positivity is an excellent way to heal from this painful breakup.

Most importantly, make sure your ex isn’t part of this “Break Over” support system. Often it can be alluring to put him in the “friend” category prematurely because he “knows you better than anyone else.”  However, avoid the temptation and create as much distance as possible.

Step 3: Learn important lessons through your breakup. Every “ex” is the next right step toward a better relationship.

Although it might not seem like it now, moving through a breakup can be among the best ways to grow as a person. You can choose to come out of this experience as a stronger woman who now knows infinitely more than before the breakup.

It’s important to fully understand the part you played in a breakup so you can ensure you don’t make the same mistakes again. Even if he was the biggest jerk EVER and it seems like the bad ending was entirely his fault, you will best serve yourself by looking at your role in the relationship. Did you choose someone who wasn’t good for you? Did you allow him to take advantage of your generosity? Did you ignore the signs that he really wasn’t ready for a long-term commitment? Are you repeating the same mistakes over and over again in your relationships? Are you confused about what you really want from a relationship? Now is the time to look back at these things and clearly define what your relationship goals truly are. Take steps to change what’s not working for you, and shift your energy so you can attract someone new (and better) to love.

Step 4:  Take care of yourself and stop playing the victim.

The breakup didn’t happen TO YOU. Choose to see yourself as something other than a victim and begin to see the pain as an opportunity to learn, grow and get closer to finding your best match.

Once you embrace this mindset, the fun can begin. Make every day a time to nurture yourself. Savor your coffee in the morning; take a relaxing yoga class or enjoy being outside. Don’t lose your healthy routine; make sure to keep eating balanced meals and regularly exercising. Take this time to possibly find a new hobby and explore new interests.

Also, while a breakup signifies an end, it also indicates a  new beginning. Take a little time out; don’t make any major decisions such as getting a new job or moving to a new city. And remember: you are not alone. You can make this time as fulfilling as the time you were in that relationship. There is a reason it ended, and you’re going to be just fine.

Although it might seem like you may never get over a painful breakup, you can and you will. The Dating with Dignity, “Break Over,” 4-Step Program is a  great place to start taking care of yourself. Getting over your painful breakup can start today.