Cupid's Pulse Article: Dating Advice: 7 Effective Ways Out of a BreakupCupid's Pulse Article: Dating Advice: 7 Effective Ways Out of a Breakup

By Bijan Kholghi

You’ll agree with me that getting over a breakup is not easy. This situation can be very tough, and there’s no way we can sugar-coat it. That said, the period after a breakup still presents ample opportunity for personal rebranding. A few months ago, I was neck-deep in this highly frustrating condition. But I found a way that helped me grow.

Here are some of the compelling techniques and psychological methods that can help you rebrand and recover after a breakup or divorce.

Step #1 – Redefine & Reclaim Yourself
The first step to healing starts with redefining yourself and giving a meaning to your life. Relationships need total commitment to flourish, no doubt. However, the extent to which you gave up yourself in the relationship will determine how painful the transition phase will be for you. Perhaps you’ve always had this feeling of insufficiency or unworthiness about yourself prior to the relationship. Maybe you’ve failed at having your own life while the relationship lasted. Start by changing that narrative and start being the person you’re happy to be.

Step #2 – Redefine Your Borders & Set Healthy Boundaries
Breakups give you a new chance to redefine your boundaries as a person. What does an ideal relationship look like to you? Take a moment to reflect on what your expectations are and better still, write these down. Having a clear idea of simple things like how much time you’d like to spend alone, with your partner, family members, family and friends with your partner, family and friends without your partner, etc can help. Other vital things can include whether or not you want to have kids, marry, as well as other things that may pertain to your career, personal, or social life.

Step #3 – Fix Your Broken Heart
Don’t fall into the temptation of thinking about the good old days. This is like an addiction, and the earlier you get rid of it, the better. First, accept that that phase is over. Make a list of those things you didn’t like about the ex. This will help you avoid being fixated on their positive sides, which will only hurt you the more. Finally, take practical steps to fill the voids in your social life and identity with things like fun and other fun activities you’ve missed.

Step #4 – Truthfully Analyze Your Role
This part demands complete truth and honesty. Ask yourself how and what your contributions were to the failure of the relationship. Question why you didn’t change and what you should try to do better in your next relationship. This is important to help you grow and do better the next time.

Step #5 – Analyze Your Personal Trigger Points
One part of getting over a breakup requires analyzing your fights to see what the common triggers were. Perhaps the strong emotions involved appear to have stemmed from old patterns that have been there from childhood. Sometimes, it’s not really what the other person does that hurts. Often, it may be an old patter getting triggered unconsciously. Understanding these will help you avoid the triggers and may help you set the foundation for a stronger relationship when the chance comes.

Step #6 – Don’t Please Too Much, No More!
Being committed to a relationship should not mean going against yourself to please the other person. This is more like a disease, and most times, it may reduce how much a person is attracted to you. Don’t lose yourself to trying to be a perfect partner. It’s necessary to stop this before you go into your next relationship.

Step #7 – Analyze Your Sex Life for Issues
Many people like to ignore it, but it’s no lie that good sex life is crucial for healthy relationships. Cracks in your relationship can cause a sexual disconnection for one or both partners, and so your sex life can be a good indicator that something may be wrong. Your sex life should be balanced between being connected to your pleasure and the pleasure of the other person. This is also about putting too much emphasis on pleasing the other person.

Bottom Line
Analyzing the relationship for errors will help you get a better understanding of where things went wrong. More importantly, you’ll be able to find the self-confidence and self-control you need to get over the phase. At the end of the day, get over an ex is still not easy. However, these techniques helped me through my difficult moments after a breakup. If you can try them, I’m hopeful they’ll help the light shine through the cracks of your broken heart, again.

Bijan Kholghi is the founder of and a life coach with a special psychological education in hypno-systemic coaching. His teacher Dr. Gunther Schmidt is the founder of Milton Erickson Institute in Heidelberg (Germany), a direct student of Milton H. Erickson, and a leading figure in psychotherapy education in Europe. His highly effective coaching and therapy method helps people getting aware of their unconscious pattern and gaining control over them. This leads to a more fulfilled and happier life.