By Dr. Jane Greer
Coming out of a toxic relationship can be difficult in and of itself, and often requires an emotional detox. Even though the relationship is clearly over, you may find that you still have issues to work through. You might be experiencing not only the sadness and loss, but also pain and anxiety. If you got to this point after a tremendous betrayal or a chronic problem the magnitude of which you were not able to surmount, you probably have many questions and concerns about how you got into that situation in the first place, and how someone you loved could treat you so poorly. Sandra Bullock had a public breakup with her ex-husband Jesse James who admittedly cheated on her multiple times. Despite that, Sandra has finally found love again with a person whom she calls “the one,” Bryan Randall, and the couple reportedly couldn’t be happier. How, then, when you finally do find yourself on the other side and are ready to think about dating again, can you trust another person as well as your own judgement as you, like Sandra, move past the bad and attempt to find the good? How can you make sure you don’t allow yourself to fall into a toxic relationship again?
Dr. Greer’s Relationship Advice Teaches Us How to Date Again After a Toxic Relationship
One thing to keep in mind is that it is natural to be more guarded and question everything when you begin something new after what you have been through. And that is a good thing. Take your time as you get to know someone who has caught your eye. Even if the connection feels comfortable right away, and you experience the temptation to slip into an immediate closeness of constant texting, talking, and even spending the night together, try to resist that at first. Remain your “me” for as long as you can before you jump into being a “we,” so you don’t shoot past any warning signals. Take inventory: do they call when they say they will? Do they keep the plans you have made? Do they generally seem to be telling you the truth about things, or have you caught them in any lies? Do they have friends, or do they appear to have many past relationships – friendly and romantic – that have ended with all ties cut? Take the time you need to read all the road signs, so to speak, and to stop at all the caution lights so you can get a sense of what’s coming down the road. Give yourself a chance to learn who this person really is, instead of making excuses when necessary and allowing them to form in your mind as who you hope they will be. Along these lines, be more selective about who you might let in, let them show you they are worthy of your love. Sit back a little, possibly more than you usually have, and instead of being an open book and freely sharing your past and your hopes for the future, let them take the lead and reveal those things first. That way, you will have a better sense of what you are getting into before you open yourself up to them.
Related Link: Relationship Advice: Talking Through the Tough Times
By doing this and taking any red flags that might come up seriously, you can work to head off future betrayals and strengthen your own self-confidence as you evaluate your new potential love interest and decide how much you want to share with them. It will also give you more control. The goal here is to find someone who you can believe in, who has your best interest in mind, and who, ultimately, will not stamp on your heart. Proceed with this expectation, that this is what you deserve and what you will get, and this will help give you more clarity and insight as you begin to date. If you feel secure in yourself, you are much more likely to find someone who will support you rather than undermine you.
Related Link: Relationship Advice: Working Through Your Heartbreak
Moving on after a toxic relationship isn’t easy, but it is possible, as we saw with Sandra and Bryan. The experience, however terrible it might have been, can be a lesson for you to learn from. Once you can stop thinking of it as a recovery process, and more of a moving beyond process, taking with you all that you now know, you can be stronger and better placed to have a healthier relationship than ever before.
Please tune in to the Doctor on Call radio hour on HealthyLife.net every Tuesday at 2 PM EST, 11 AM PST. First and third Tuesdays are Shrink Wrap on Call, second Tuesdays are HuffPost on Call, and the last Tuesday of the month is Let’s Talk Sex! Email your questions dealing with relationships, intimacy, family, and friendships to Dr. Greer at askdrjane@drjanegreer.com. Connect with Dr. Jane Greer on Facebook, at www.facebook.com/DrJaneGreer, and be sure to follow @DrJaneGreer on Twitter for her latest insights on love, relationships, sex, and intimacy. For more on Dr. Greer, visit http://www.drjanegreer.com.
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