Cupid's Pulse Article: Relationship Advice: Working Through Your HeartbreakCupid's Pulse Article: Relationship Advice: Working Through Your Heartbreak

By Dr. Jane Greer

Getting over a heartbreak is never easy, and there is no simple answer to how to recover from it. What does it mean when relationships don’t work out? Is it you choosing a bad partner, or is it something out of your control? Dealing with the loss of love is often a challenge. Some people throw themselves back into the mix immediately, jumping in to a new relationship, while others take themselves out of the dating game for a while. The question is, how do you hold on to hope, and is there a way to try to ensure success on take two so that you don’t continue to repeat the same wrong moves in the love game? It’s rumored that The Weeknd’s new EP is about his exes Selena Gomez and Bella Hadid. Perhaps his approach to dealing with his breakups is through his music.

Here is some expert relationship advice on navigating heartbreak post break-up and when entering a new, rushed relationship:

Many who dive right back into the fire may find that their new love connection isn’t going as well as they had hoped and wonder why. There are several reasons this can occur, and it is helpful to understand them. For some, the pain of the split is too immense to handle because of how personally rejected they feel. As a result, their self-esteem may take a big hit, and they may go along in a relationship that they know isn’t a good fit simply because having a new person in their life helps buffer the intense pain they are feeling. In that case, their thought might be that at least somebody wants to be with them. Another reason is that sometimes the loss of a significant other in their life and everything that goes along with that – doing things together, planning for two, looking toward the future, and having some security as to how they spend their weekends and evenings – is so hard to take that being with anyone might seem better than being alone. Therefore, they will quickly seek out a new partner regardless of how bad a fit that person might be. When that happens, simply having that person in their life trumps how compatible they are. If either of these reasons are in play, it can be the equivalent of taking an aspirin for a headache. It is a quick antidote to buffer the pain, but it may not deal with the contributing issues that brought about the heartbreak in the first place. Consequently, if you are looking to “lose” yourself in a new relationship, be it a rebound or an escape from the past, while it might ease the heartache in the moment it can sometimes lead to more loss in the future.

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In this whole mix one of the questions is, have you gotten over your ex at all? If not, you might find yourself comparing your new person to your old significant other, and if you are still in love with the former, your current companion may pale in comparison. While the relationship itself might make you feel better about yourself temporarily, your new partner may not ever replace your old one. In addition, there may be unresolved problems still lingering from your old relationship that you now find squarely present in your new romance. You may even realize, surprisingly, that you have taken on the role of your old partner with your new one, and are now doing what your ex did to you, anything from calling too often to acting jealous. If you find this happening it can be a red flag that all is not well.

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If you have gone through a heartbreak and are looking to start a new relationship that is successful, it is important to take an honest look at what didn’t work in your romantic past. Shine a light on what went wrong. Were you unhappy or did you do something to make your partner unhappy? Were they turned off by some of your behaviors and quirks, or you by theirs? Was it you or them who was not willing to step up to the plate in terms of making necessary compromises? This will help you develop self-awareness and give you some understanding of what might be at play with your new partner. This will also enable you to view the past as a stepping stone to the future, not wasted or lost time, but important information that you can learn from and take with you. It can also give you more realistic expectations going into the next relationship so you can hopefully make a better choice that will lead to a more positive connection. Along the same lines, if you find yourself going from one relationship to the next so you are not alone, but you keep choosing people who are not right for you or you lose interest in them quickly, then now is a good time to learn how to be on your own so you can develop inner security and grow stronger before doing a cannon ball back in to that pool of love. Once you have given yourself a chance to do that, you might be better able to choose a new partner based not only on how they make you feel about yourself, but also on how you feel about them and what you are able to share together.

Related Link: Relationship Advice: Don’t Let Distance & Lifestyle End Your Relationship

It seems that The Weeknd is working through his heartache with music. Taylor Swift has been known to do the same. You don’t have to write music to be able to do this. Instead, write a letter of the things you wish to say or wish you said, that you don’t have to send. You can also listen to sad songs, but remember to balance that with a few love songs so that you are able to have faith that there will be a new beginning around the corner for you.

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