Cupid's Pulse Article: Relationship Advice: The Baby PredicamentCupid's Pulse Article: Relationship Advice: The Baby Predicament

By Dr. Jane Greer

Former reality TV star Heidi Montag is hopeful that she’ll be starting a family next year with her husband Spencer Pratt. He hasn’t always been fond of the idea of fatherhood, admitting he’s “baby blocking” her. However, Heidi believes she can change his mind about having a celebrity baby. This is something that many couples go through — one partner is absolutely ready to become pregnant, but the other is either not sure or is against it.

It is typical for spouses to find themselves in this predicament than to be on the exact same page at the exact same time about when to expand their twosome. Dr. Jane Greer continues with relationship advice:

There are many variations on the theme of why one or the other is not ready for the responsibility of offspring. Perhaps there is the fear that the connection the couple shares will change with the arrival of a baby, and one person might worry that the love and attention he or she gets now will shift and it could end up feeling more like a loss than a gain. Or possibly someone is concerned about being financially settled before embarking on the adventure of parenthood. Maybe it is just the looming responsibility itself that holds one partner back, and on occasion people are dealing with their own childhood experiences that might color their desire to be a parent. Or in some cases one partner has been married before, and has a child with that first spouse and might not be eager to do it again. Whatever the reason, the back and forth can begin for couples before they even become engaged, and can sometimes be a deal breaker if there is no way to reach an agreement or even leave open the possibility of it happening one day. More often than not, though, the relationship will move forward with the hope that the partner who is holding out will come around. What do you do then if you find yourself married and ready, but your spouse is not sure or still saying no?

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The first thing to do is to set aside time to discuss your concerns. When you do sit down to talk this through, allow each of you to share your respective vision of your life together and the role that having children will or will not play in your future. Assuming you were up front about your desire to have a family from the beginning, it is important to remind your partner that you were clear from the get-go. Establish if this is a “not now” or a “not ever” situation. Assuming it is the first, ask your partner to describe what they are feeling and what is holding them back. Ask if their feelings have changed at all over time. See if there is anything you can do, or that you can do together, to make your spouse more comfortable with the idea.

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Having this conversation with each other, and having a chance to share your honest feelings, will help to bring you together as a team so you can feel like you are on the same side rather than being opponents who want different outcomes. Talk about a timeframe that feels agreeable to both of you, and decide on a point in the future when you can either revisit the discussion or when you might be able to take first steps toward the goal of having a baby. As long as the door is open, and you know the subject hasn’t been tabled forever, you will hopefully be able to avoid feeling controlled and resentful.

The objective is that by the time you reopen the discussion you will find yourselves on the same page. Only time will tell if this will be the case for Heidi and Spencer.

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