By Janeen Diamond for Hope After Divorce

“There is a difference between loving, helping and accepting others, and actually letting them be a part of your precious life.”   

These days, we all seem to talk a lot about our kids or our friends or our spouses going off to “find themselves” when things aren’t going quite right for them. But the truth of the matter is, it isn’t really possible to “find” ourselves. If we are going to be successful in our relationship and love life, we must “make” ourselves into the person we want to be. Consider these two pieces of dating advice: First, remember to have realistic expectations, and second, know that you can choose to be happy with yourself. I love the following quote by psychiatrist Thomas Szasz: “People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds. It is something one creates.”

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By Janeen Diamond for Hope After Divorce

“It seems that, whenever I allow myself to react without thinking, someone is watching from nearby who knows me. Can you relate?”

I was in a fast food restaurant with my family the other night, and everything seemed to be going wrong for me. The tomato basil soup I ordered wasn’t quite ready, so I was told it would be just a few minutes before it was brought out to me. Well, 20 minutes later — after my family had nearly finished their chicken noodle soup — mine finally arrived…cold!

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By Janeen Diamond for Hope After Divorce

“Stay in bed a few extra minutes in the morning and listen to the birds chirping outside your window…”

Fall is my favorite time of the year. Besides the cooler temperatures and beautiful colors in the mountains, I love what it represents. The holidays are coming, and family time is more prevalent. I get to make soup for dinner more often than not, and it’s time to turn the fireplaces on and bring out the blankets. Plus, it’s by far the best time of the year for driving around in my convertible PT Cruiser with the top down. I tell myself it is good for my soul; it makes me feel happy and alive. And if it’s too cold for the top to be down, I put it down anyway and blast the heater. I know that there are others out there who do the very same thing!

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By Janeen Diamond for Hope After Divorce

…it’s impossible to have genuine, solid, meaningful relationships with other people if we don’t think much of ourselves.

During an interview this week, I found myself talking about how important the relationships we have in our lives are. And as we talked, we brought up the fact that the relationship we have with ourselves is, by far, one of the most important ones we can have. Why? Because it’s impossible to have genuine, solid, meaningful relationships with other people if we don’t think much of ourselves.

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By Janeen Diamond for Hope After Divorce

…we see a few redeeming qualities and think we’ve found The One. Well, let me tell you — some of us have found The One more than once!

What is it about us humans that we believe in order to be truly happy we need a significant other in our lives at all times? I think more of us need to work on being okay with being alone — at least until we know we’re ready for the kind of relationship that will truly add to our own individual happiness. Now, you know me: I always try to keep a dose of positive attitude in everything I write. So today’s message may come across as a bit of a downer, but I believe it is too important, so I’m going to go for it.

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By Janeen Diamond for Hope After Divorce 

“Sometimes, life is about just being here and feeling gratitude and enjoying all we are blessed with.”  

I have been spending a great deal of time lately with a good friend who is deep into self healing, meditation, de-stressing, clearing buried emotions, and other ideas that go along with living a healthier, happier life.

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By Janeen Diamond for Hope After Divorce 

“…great marriages are born when two people decide to come to the party!”

It’s common knowledge that most of us, at one time or another, will consider divorce as an alternative to a difficult marriage. The truth is  ALL marriages are difficult to some degree, and those of us who long for the fairy tale will be sorely disappointed. I have often said that great marriages are born when two people decide to come to the party! Marriages fail because someone decides the party isn’t all that fun.

Sadly, Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas are divorcing after 18 years of marriage. Their news comes after living separate lives due to their conflicting work schedules. They may be saying their split is amicable and ending in a loving manner, but the reality is that they no longer choose to be a couple. They will now have to face dividing their combined fortune, rumored to be worth 50 million dollars.

Related Link: Going Solo Again: Bold New Beginnings

In talking with many divorced individuals, I’ve learned that expectations about sex, money, care taking, adoration, housekeeping, ways to spend leisure time, and a whole bunch of other individual traits are often born out of selfishness, immaturity, and insecurity and sometimes even based on a lack of experience with reality. I hope that doesn’t sound negative, but the fact is we all bring our own stuff into our marriages, and often, our stuff doesn’t exactly mesh with our spouse’s stuff.

I met a couple several weeks ago who, between them, had experienced several divorces. The husband lamented that his first wife had cheated on him, his second wife just wouldn’t give him enough attention, his third wife couldn’t accept his children, and so on…

And this is the reason I try and focus on helping people stay in their marriages if at all possible! Because the cycle doesn’t end. Issues will keep popping up no matter how many times you get married, because it isn’t about the issues themselves — it’s about the people in the marriage who are creating the issues. And until we fix the people…the issues will remain. In my opinion, a good counselor could absolutely help a couple facing infidelity, attention deficits, blending families, or any other problem that exists by focusing on the real issues we just talked about — selfishness, immaturity, insecurity, etc.

If you are seriously considering divorce, I want you to spend the next week asking yourself these three questions over and over until you have the answers solidified.

— Will I be better off? Will you be better off emotionally? Will you be better off or at least be able to sustain yourself financially? Will you be happier in the long run? Think of these questions in every possible scenario.

— Am I okay with the thought of a new life? If you are forced to move from your home, will your kids be okay with a new school and new friends? Will you be able to handle all the added responsibility? Think about all of the changes that will take place for you personally and figure out if, for you, these changes are manageable.

— Have circumstances made it necessary for me to end this marriage — affairs or abuse? If the affairs or abuse has stopped, is it possible to put things back together? The roadblock often comes when one partner doesn’t want to put in the work or seek counseling and do what it takes in order to gain back the violated spouse’s trust. These are serious problems, and you need to determine for yourself if indeed you will be better off leaving the marriage.

Related Link: Attitude is Key

Divorce is a big decision. Don’t move forward with it until you have exhausted every attempt to fix things in your marriage. Once you are comfortable with your decision, whatever it is, move forward with conviction. I will root for you to go for the save!

For more information about Hope After Divorce, click here.

Janeen Diamond, author of Save Your Marriage in 30, was a newscaster for KUTV News until 2001. Since that time, she has been actively producing commercials and special programming through her company, Your TV Spot. She has hosted several television and internet productions and has been a spokesperson for several products and companies. She is a leader over the youth in her church and takes a special interest in helping kids stay on track with their lives. Janeen is currently co-creating “Teen Impact TV,” a website for high school students to give them a creative and emotional outlet. She is a contributing expert for HopeAfterDivorce.org, DivorceSupportCenter.com, FamilyShare.com, and CupidsPulse.com. Follow her on Twitter @janeendiamond and www.facebook.com/janeendiamond.

By Janeen Diamond for Hope After Divorce

 “…laughing is one of my absolute favorite things.”

My husband and I have gone through about a half dozen extremely stressful events this past year. Looking back, it seems amazing we still find the energy to laugh on occasion.  But that’s the way life is! And the older we get, the more responsibility we take on, the more children we have, the more complicated our lives become — the more stress we are going to have to deal with.

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By Janeen Diamond for Hope After Divorce

“Some men are actually very afraid of roller coasters.”

We women think we have men all figured out. Many of us believe they only care about three things: sex, food and sports. But the reality is, they are human beings who experience human emotions, and the sooner we accept that fact, the sooner we will begin to experience true joy in our relationships.

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