…we see a few redeeming qualities and think we’ve found The One. Well, let me tell you — some of us have found The One more than once!
What is it about us humans that we believe in order to be truly happy we need a significant other in our lives at all times? I think more of us need to work on being okay with being alone — at least until we know we’re ready for the kind of relationship that will truly add to our own individual happiness. Now, you know me: I always try to keep a dose of positive attitude in everything I write. So today’s message may come across as a bit of a downer, but I believe it is too important, so I’m going to go for it.
Let’s face it: Life is crazy! Trying to keep up with the hustle and bustle of each day is overwhelming: work, family commitments, school, soccer, dance classes, friends, health, birthday parties, holidays, babies, and so on. Sometimes, we look back on the week and wonder where it went. One of the challenges you might face, as a result of this stress, is staying connected to your spouse. Putting your relationship on the back burner can quickly breed cracks in the foundation of marriage — and a cracked foundation can often be difficult to repair.
Yes, it can! This answer is according to the couples that I interviewed for my book, Successful Second Marriages. What prompted a book about second marriages? The failure of my own second marriage and my admiration for remarrieds who found success in this second chance love — success in spite of the negative numbers for second marriages. Statistics approximate that half of first marriages end in divorce. For second timers, the odds for staying together get even tougher: Two-thirds of those taking the plunge a second time don’t make it. With odds like these, it is surprising that more than half of those first-time exes remarry…but they do! We are a nation in love with love.
Being a divorced, single parent can be overwhelming. If you are the primary custodial parent, you have a great responsibility to teach and raise your children in a positive, well-structured, healthy environment. You set the example; you set the tone in your home for your children to exemplify and follow. Giving your children the attention and support they need is not for the faint of heart. The reality is you are doing the job of two parents, and most of the time, it’s by yourself.
“Sometimes, life is about just being here and feeling gratitude and enjoying all we are blessed with.”
I have been spending a great deal of time lately with a good friend who is deep into self healing, meditation, de-stressing, clearing buried emotions, and other ideas that go along with living a healthier, happier life.
In spite of the naysayers who were telling me to not bother spending money to see Jersey Boys, I decided to go see the matinee (it was cheaper, of course). And I was glad that I ignored the unfavorable critics. I thought it was an excellent movie: good acting, touching story of poor boys making it big, and music that had everyone clapping, tapping their feet, and enjoying songs from their youth. I anticipate seeing it at least another two times and even buying the DVD when it comes out.
“…great marriages are born when two people decide to come to the party!”
It’s common knowledge that most of us, at one time or another, will consider divorce as an alternative to a difficult marriage. The truth is ALL marriages are difficult to some degree, and those of us who long for the fairy tale will be sorely disappointed. I have often said that great marriages are born when two people decide to come to the party! Marriages fail because someone decides the party isn’t all that fun.
Sadly, Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas are divorcing after 18 years of marriage. Their news comes after living separate lives due to their conflicting work schedules. They may be saying their split is amicable and ending in a loving manner, but the reality is that they no longer choose to be a couple. They will now have to face dividing their combined fortune, rumored to be worth 50 million dollars.
In talking with many divorced individuals, I’ve learned that expectations about sex, money, care taking, adoration, housekeeping, ways to spend leisure time, and a whole bunch of other individual traits are often born out of selfishness, immaturity, and insecurity and sometimes even based on a lack of experience with reality. I hope that doesn’t sound negative, but the fact is we all bring our own stuff into our marriages, and often, our stuff doesn’t exactly mesh with our spouse’s stuff.
I met a couple several weeks ago who, between them, had experienced several divorces. The husband lamented that his first wife had cheated on him, his second wife just wouldn’t give him enough attention, his third wife couldn’t accept his children, and so on…
And this is the reason I try and focus on helping people stay in their marriages if at all possible! Because the cycle doesn’t end. Issues will keep popping up no matter how many times you get married, because it isn’t about the issues themselves — it’s about the people in the marriage who are creating the issues. And until we fix the people…the issues will remain. In my opinion, a good counselor could absolutely help a couple facing infidelity, attention deficits, blending families, or any other problem that exists by focusing on the real issues we just talked about — selfishness, immaturity, insecurity, etc.
If you are seriously considering divorce, I want you to spend the next week asking yourself these three questions over and over until you have the answers solidified.
— Will I be better off? Will you be better off emotionally? Will you be better off or at least be able to sustain yourself financially? Will you be happier in the long run? Think of these questions in every possible scenario.
— Am I okay with the thought of a new life? If you are forced to move from your home, will your kids be okay with a new school and new friends? Will you be able to handle all the added responsibility? Think about all of the changes that will take place for you personally and figure out if, for you, these changes are manageable.
— Have circumstances made it necessary for me to end this marriage — affairs or abuse? If the affairs or abuse has stopped, is it possible to put things back together? The roadblock often comes when one partner doesn’t want to put in the work or seek counseling and do what it takes in order to gain back the violated spouse’s trust. These are serious problems, and you need to determine for yourself if indeed you will be better off leaving the marriage.
Divorce is a big decision. Don’t move forward with it until you have exhausted every attempt to fix things in your marriage. Once you are comfortable with your decision, whatever it is, move forward with conviction. I will root for you to go for the save!
For more information about Hope After Divorce, click here.
Janeen Diamond, author of Save Your Marriage in 30, was a newscaster for KUTV News until 2001. Since that time, she has been actively producing commercials and special programming through her company, Your TV Spot. She has hosted several television and internet productions and has been a spokesperson for several products and companies. She is a leader over the youth in her church and takes a special interest in helping kids stay on track with their lives. Janeen is currently co-creating “Teen Impact TV,” a website for high school students to give them a creative and emotional outlet. She is a contributing expert for HopeAfterDivorce.org, DivorceSupportCenter.com, FamilyShare.com, and CupidsPulse.com. Follow her on Twitter @janeendiamond and www.facebook.com/janeendiamond.
A June wedding invite came in the mail for my husband and me this week. Ahhh, I think June is still the month for weddings, although I have read that October is quickly matching it for the month chosen by brides.
I met the groom-to-be a couple of years ago at a film festival where the documentary produced by him was being previewed. Dan and the other two creators of the film Give a Damn had decided in their mid-twenties to travel to one of the poorest countries in Africa. This film was to bring awareness to the world, to encourage those who saw the film to be proactive, to become involved in whatever manner they chose to be involved.
Divorce is one of those life events that forces huge changes in your life, whether you like it or not. During a divorce, a decision will need to be made on living arrangements. Let the court decide who needs to move out and what will happen with the home. Sometimes, one spouse will offer to move out but wants their part of the equity in the house. The partner who stays put may have to put it up for sale in order to pay the other partner unless they can refinance, thus adding the amount of equity onto the mortgage.
Couple missing each other. Photo: Wavebreak Media Ltd / Bigstock.com
By Janeen Diamond for Hope After Divorce
“When depression sets in, bring on the sugar! Right?”
I don’t know about you, but for me, the winter months are often the hardest to get through. Sometimes, it feels like all I can do is grit my teeth and survive! The snow falls, which is great the first several times, but then it starts to get annoying. The sun rarely shines because of the inversion, and, no matter what I do, I’m freezing all the time. …Don’t miss the rest! Click here for more.
“The marriage of Harold Ray Mann and Patricia Mann is now dissolved.” Hearing these words, I didn’t understand how this new status — single — would change my life, a life where I previously had checked “married” on all forms. So what was my future and the future of my daughters in our now one-parent household? “What now?” were the words in my mind that I never verbalized.
“Marriage is about compromise; it’s about doing something for the other person, even when you don’t want to.” – Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding
I had a great conversation with two friends, both widowed, the other day. They’re dating each other, and it’s starting to get serious. While not pointedly addressed quite yet, it’s clear that the “we should spend the rest of our lives together” conversation is not that far off in the future. How wonderful for them! To have found love again — and all the joy, happiness, and elation that comes with new love — after both having lost spouses is wonderful and very sweet to see. Of course, they should spend the rest of their lives together. Thank goodness for second chances and the fact that they met each other.
After a divorce, many holidays can be depressing, and Valentine’s Day can be the most depressing of all. The media promotes this day for lovers, and those not in a relationship — or just getting out of one — may feel left out. The holiday can also leave you feeling as if something’s wrong with you because you don’t have someone special to share it with. But don’t worry — you can still have a happy Valentine’s Day!
Enjoying the fire blazing with my cup of coffee on New Year’s morning, I took a big sip and a deep breath and thought to myself…“I need more moments like this.” Then, I realized that if more of us, including myself, paid closer attention to those particular moments in our lives, we might hear the quiet message that alone time brings.
Diane Lane and Josh Brolin. Photo: Janet Mayer / PRPhotos.com
By Cynthia MacGregor for Hope After Divorce
Ah…we’re moving into a new year, and don’t we all love new beginnings? It feels like a fresh start, a new chance, a do-over. It feels like an opportunity to “get it right this time.” The reality is that we can make a new beginning, a fresh start, any time. We don’t need a special date marked in red on the calendar or a month that we know is at the head of a whole fresh year.
I’ve never believed in New Year’s resolutions, but that doesn’t mean I’m against making a fresh start. I just don’t confine such activities to the first month of the calendar year. For instance, the beginning of spring is a time of rebirth. Your birthday is always a good day to re-evaluate your life and see what needs re-calibrating. In truth, any time is a good time to begin anew.
Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Rumer Willis, Micah Alberti, Emma Heming, Scout Willis, Bruce Willis, and Tallulah Willis with guest. Photo: Albert L. Ortega / PR Photos
As a divorced parent, you can never pay too much attention to your communication skills with your children. It keeps the doors open for a healthier, more positive relationship with them. It makes you more sensitive to issues of concern early on, so you can nip them in the bud. It also encourages your children to talk about what they are feeling, questions they have, and situations that are creating conflict for them.
A stepparent who has different holiday traditions from the rest of the family, especially a stepparent with no child of their own, can feel left out of the celebration. All family traditions matter, and it’s vital for everyone to be considered when planning holidays.
“…laughing is one of my absolute favorite things.”
My husband and I have gone through about a half dozen extremely stressful events this past year. Looking back, it seems amazing we still find the energy to laugh on occasion. But that’s the way life is! And the older we get, the more responsibility we take on, the more children we have, the more complicated our lives become — the more stress we are going to have to deal with.
Home for the holidays for a divorced family doesn’t often fit into the Norman Rockwell picture-perfect moment mold. I recall my first Christmas as a divorced parent. First, there was the Christmas card photos — do we or don’t we? Then, there was seeing the photos and knowing that the smiles just don’t look the same, fumbling for what “tidings of joy” I could muster up to include while writing the annual Christmas card “catch-everyone-up-who-we-don’t-see-very-often” letter.
Since they’re parents of a two-year-old son, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr’s separation is more than just celebrity news. They have become role models for how to handle divorce. At the Child-Centered Divorce Network, we watch celebrity divorces carefully, honoring them when they do things right — and admonishing them if they’re doing things wrong.
In any divorce situation, the ideal way to settle disputes is by finding solutions together. Keeping a semi-friendly, amicable relationship with your soon-to-be ex-partner is definitely the wiser choice. With that being said, both spouses must be willing to work together on their divorce settlement; otherwise, the adversarial approach will play out. Unfortunately, much of the advice given in our society today concerning divorce is oppositional. Dissolving a marriage by force and “winning” is far more common than showing mutual respect and making decisions as a team.
Marriage is full of extreme ups and downs. Every marriage goes through hard times, but some certainly more than others. As recent news of the separation between the Oscar-winning duo Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas came to light, we can see the toll that these hard times can take. These past few years, they have experienced a series of insurmountable challenges. Douglas was diagnosed with throat cancer in 2010, and he had to endure chemotherapy and radiation, which took a tremendous toll on his body. As if that wasn’t enough to put stress on a relationship, his wife of 13 years surprised fans in 2011 when she voluntarily admitted herself to a facility for bipolar disorder treatment. She underwent treatment again earlier this year.
Months after my very messy divorce, I found myself sitting in a greasy diner with my friend Christi, and I was at a total stand still. I was staring across the table at her, trying not to cry into my grilled cheese sandwich as a million thoughts ran through my mind.
Christi had never been married before. In fact, she had been single since I’d known her. She is beautiful, funny, smart, a great friend — and one of the happiest people I know.
There are few other couples that have amassed more attention in 2013 than celebrity power couple Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck. It has been a memorable year for them with Affleck’s huge success and Oscar for his brilliant movie Argo. In the coming months, Garner will step back into the spotlight with the film adaptation of the popular book, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. With their stellar careers, three beautiful children and easy affection with each other, it seems like this Hollywood pair has it all.
Janeen Diamond, author of Save Your Marriage in 30, was a newscaster for KUTV News until 2001. Since that time, she has been actively producing commercials and special programming through her company, Your TV Spot. She has hosted several television and internet productions and has been a spokesperson for several products and companies. She is a leader over the youth in her church and takes a special interest in helping kids stay on track with their lives. Janeen is currently co-creating “Teen Impact TV,” a website for high school students to give them a creative and emotional outlet. She is a contributing expert for HopeAfterDivorce.org, DivorceSupportCenter.com, FamilyShare.com, and CupidsPulse.com. Follow her on Twitter @janeendiamond and www.facebook.com/janeendiamond.
