By Mackenzie Scibetta
Breaking up is hard to do. Jamye Waxman’s latest self-help relationship book puts a unique spin on ending a partnership, whether it be with your significant other, a family member, or even your hairdresser. The book provides the tools, encouragement, and wisdom needed to get through rough patches in your relationships and allows you to handle a split in an honest way. In our exclusive interview, the relationship author tells us why it’s okay to throw yourself a pity party and shares more expert love advice.
Relationship Author Opens Up About ‘How To Break Up With Anyone’
Can you give us some background on why you decided to focus on the end of relationships in your new book?
I had this idea years and years ago when my relationship with my high school best friend came to an end. I was really distraught over the fact that it ended, and I thought something was wrong because I was so torn up over a non-romantic relationship. The friendship mattered so much to me, and now, it was over. I wanted to write the book because I felt like there were a lot of books that focused just on romantic relationships and not on other types of break-ups.
There’s a lot of information in the book on being broken up with as well. Over time, we experience both sides of the break-up process, so it’s important that you accept and understand why and how relationships end. You also need to know that it’s okay that they end — it’s a common experience.
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Why did you include both romantic and non-romantic relationships in your writing?
We tend to have a lot more non-romantic relationships in our lives, and when those relationships end, we aren’t taught culturally that it’s okay to have the same break-up experience that you feel in a romantic relationship or that it may even hurt more than a romantic relationship. I felt that, if I didn’t talk about relationships that weren’t sexual and also about the relationship you have with yourself, then it was a disservice to my readers. I wanted to give the full picture. So much of the time, it’s relationships with our family, friends, or community that we’re questioning, and we don’t have permission to question them the same way we would a romantic relationship. I wanted to explore the idea with a broad scope.
You talk about breaking up versus taking a break, so I have to ask: What is the difference?
I like to tell people that, when you’re going into a break-up, it’s hard to think of it as taking a break because then the break-up doesn’t usually happen. When it comes to romantic relationships, 50 percent of adolescents get back with someone or give it another go. Breaking up doesn’t mean you won’t have a relationship down the road; it just means the relationship will be different.
Breaking up means you never want to see them again. Taking a break is not seeing them for a while and then, in your head, reassessing and deciding if there’s something you can fix down the road. Taking a break is a thought process that happens after the break-up that shows you may not be completely done, that you may have ended it for the wrong reasons.
During the writing process, did you have any profound moments or epiphanies about your own life that really shook you?
I learned that I don’t do break-ups well most of the time. Sitting face-to-face with someone and saying, “Here’s what’s not working, and I want to walk away from it” is difficult. It’s so much easier to text them and never answer or even just disappear. For me, just being aware that I don’t do break-ups well is the first step to reevaluating how to end a relationship better.
I also learned that there are a lot of easy break-ups to have without having a real break-up — and they’re not always good. We end things with negative ideas in our heads, but if we can turn it around and end on a positive moment, we would be more okay with the idea of it being over.
Jamye Waxman Gives Expert Love Advice
What message do you have for readers who are struggling to break up with their partner, even though they know it’s the right thing to do?
For starters, you need to follow your gut. If you’re feeling in your gut that it’s over, then you need to find the best way to take care of yourself and get out of the relationship. This might mean you need to take your time. It’s not a bad idea to find support through a therapist or a third party who’s not involved. It’s okay to seek outside help because hearing back what you’re thinking is a good way to make it become more real.
Related Link: Relationship Author Dr. Tara Fields’ Love Advice: “The Happiest Couples Don’t Necessarily Have More or Less Conflict”
Any tips for coming across as confident when you feel anything but after a break-up?
It’s okay to not feel confident! One piece of love advice I share in the book is to throw yourself an actual pity party. Invite people over and have a sign-in book where they can write empowering ideas or activities you can do together. That way, you have this book to look back on and laugh at when you feel sad. Allow yourself to cry and be angry. However, once the party is done, start the moving on process. If you’re having a hard time, set aside five minutes per hour where you can be upset and distracted. Then, when the five minutes are up, stop and focus on something else for the remaining 55 minutes. I think setting aside the time to not feel confident is going to help you have that space that is acceptable.
What advice would you give to couples who are struggling to make time for romance and their booming careers?
Have a schedule for sex. We’re at computers so much of the day, so set-up separate emails for each other to check when you get to work and leave work. This way, you can communicate openly, sexually, and privately in a way that no one else can see. You can create ideas that you couldn’t do elsewhere.
I’d also say be open to trying new workshops. Whether it be a sex workshop or spiritual workshop, find something new to do for both of you.
You can buy How To Break Up With Anyone on Amazon. To learn more about Jamye Waxman or to read more relationship advice, you can check her out on her website, http://gasm.org/, Twitter @jamye, or www.facebook.com/jamyewax/?ref=ts.
