Sophia Dembling is the most outgoing introvert you may ever meet, and she has got a lot to teach her readers who are looking for love. The relationship author previously penned 100 Places in the U.S.A. Every Woman Should Go, and recently, the Dallas resident released Introverts in Love: The Quiet Way to Happily Ever After. In her new book about love, introverts and extroverts alike can learn the true definition of introversion as well as how this personality type functions in a relationship. CupidsPulse.com recently had the chance to speak with the writer and editor about Introverts in Love as well as her best dating advice.
Relationship Author Discusses New Book About Love
What do you think is the most important thing introverts need to know about themselves?
That there’s nothing wrong with it. The more at ease you are with your own introversion, the easier it is to navigate the world. You start respecting your motivation. The difference between shyness and introversion is that shyness is fear; it’s wanting to be in social situations but being fearful and anxious. Introversion is a measure of how much you need interaction. So when you start respecting that you don’t need as much and start giving yourself permission to say “no” or to leave parties when you’ve had enough, then it makes it a lot easier to go out in the first place. The more you respect your introversion, the easier life is.
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In your book, you mention that half of couples are introvert-introvert, while the other half are introvert-extrovert. Can you explain why both kinds of relationships may or may not work?
One of the most common questions I get is, “Do I look for an introvert, or do I look for an extrovert?” The introverts who are with extroverts really like the fact that this person brings a more active social life to the relationship. They drag them out instead of letting them sit at home stewing in their own juices, and the introvert really needs and appreciates that. The challenges of that relationship are getting the extrovert to appreciate your lifestyle and stay home sometimes. You want to make sure that the extrovert is okay with bringing the social aspect and doesn’t feel used. You have to understand the parameters of this interaction.
As far as introvert-introvert relationships, I spoke with one woman for the book who was married to an extrovert, and it ultimately wore her out. They eventually got divorced, and when she met her current husband, who is also an introvert, it was a huge relief to have somebody who was happy to stay home and didn’t have to go out every weekend. That’s what some introverts really need. The peril there is that they sort of encourage your own worst habits when it comes to being isolated. If something were to end the marriage, you’ve made your world so small that you don’t have many other people. I was also talking to a psychologist who mentioned that, because introverts tend to not express their feelings, the introvert-introvert relationship can flat line — there’s just not a lot of passion or interaction going on.
Dating Advice for Introverts
The dating game can be tough for introverts because it involves putting yourself out there. How can an introvert overcome the daunting aspects of a first date?
The hardest part of a first date is small talk — and introverts hate small talk because we put too much pressure on ourselves to be interesting and deep. Small talk is so shallow. But it’s important to remember that a first date is just a first date. Don’t go in thinking you have to make this intense impression and that it’s happily ever after or nothing at all. Instead, tell yourself, “Okay, it’s an evening. Maybe it’ll be fun, or maybe it won’t.”
When it comes down to what you wear, wear something that makes you comfortable. If you do yourself up all fabulous, then you won’t feel like yourself. It’s just like the old advice your mother gives you: You have to be yourself. I’m reading another book right now, and the relationship author talks about finding what your core person is. If you discover and respect that person, then the person you end up with will be somebody who appreciates that. Don’t pretend to be an extrovert; just go and see what happens.
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What do introverts bring to the table that extroverts may not?
We’re really good listeners. We’re deep listeners that like to take something into our heads, chew it up, and analyze it. We tend to be very loyal because we are very selective in our relationships. We don’t need a thousand friends, and we know that, if we have five friends, we have to take care of our friendships because losing one friend would be a great loss.
What I say is that extroverts sparkle and introverts glow. We have our own quiet glow. We think we’re being overlooked, but if we stop being threatened by the extrovert, then we’ll realize we have our own quiet, respectful energy that people will be attracted to.
Do you think that introverts suffer from rejection more harshly than extroverts do?
Not many introverts are pursuers. They tend to let themselves be pursued. One person in particular who I spoke to for the book said that, once you’ve been rejected a couple of times, it makes it harder. I will say that if you’ve always been pursued, then there’s a risk that you will end up with people simply because they pursued you without actually making the choice that that is the person you want. If you’re always pursued, you may not be thinking very much about what you want from your relationships.
And finally, does online dating help or hurt an introvert?
I think it’s great, and quite a few of the introverts I spoke to in my book met their partner online. It’s good because introverts express themselves really well in writing. It also gives you that time to think things through. It takes introverts a while to warm up to people, so it gives us that time before we meet face-to-face. There is that risk, though, that we’ll get stuck in e-mailing. Ultimately, it is very low-risk, and it helps us find someone we have a lot in common with.
For more from Sophia Dembling, check out her blog on PsychologyToday.com, find her on www.facebook.com/SophiaDemblingWriter, and follow her on Twitter @SophiaDembling. Purchase her latest book about love on Amazon!
