By Janeen Diamond for Hope After Divorce
“…great marriages are born when two people decide to come to the party!”
It’s common knowledge that most of us, at one time or another, will consider divorce as an alternative to a difficult marriage. The truth is ALL marriages are difficult to some degree, and those of us who long for the fairy tale will be sorely disappointed. I have often said that great marriages are born when two people decide to come to the party! Marriages fail because someone decides the party isn’t all that fun.
Sadly, Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas are divorcing after 18 years of marriage. Their news comes after living separate lives due to their conflicting work schedules. They may be saying their split is amicable and ending in a loving manner, but the reality is that they no longer choose to be a couple. They will now have to face dividing their combined fortune, rumored to be worth 50 million dollars.
Related Link: Going Solo Again: Bold New Beginnings
In talking with many divorced individuals, I’ve learned that expectations about sex, money, care taking, adoration, housekeeping, ways to spend leisure time, and a whole bunch of other individual traits are often born out of selfishness, immaturity, and insecurity and sometimes even based on a lack of experience with reality. I hope that doesn’t sound negative, but the fact is we all bring our own stuff into our marriages, and often, our stuff doesn’t exactly mesh with our spouse’s stuff.
I met a couple several weeks ago who, between them, had experienced several divorces. The husband lamented that his first wife had cheated on him, his second wife just wouldn’t give him enough attention, his third wife couldn’t accept his children, and so on…
And this is the reason I try and focus on helping people stay in their marriages if at all possible! Because the cycle doesn’t end. Issues will keep popping up no matter how many times you get married, because it isn’t about the issues themselves — it’s about the people in the marriage who are creating the issues. And until we fix the people…the issues will remain. In my opinion, a good counselor could absolutely help a couple facing infidelity, attention deficits, blending families, or any other problem that exists by focusing on the real issues we just talked about — selfishness, immaturity, insecurity, etc.
If you are seriously considering divorce, I want you to spend the next week asking yourself these three questions over and over until you have the answers solidified.
— Will I be better off? Will you be better off emotionally? Will you be better off or at least be able to sustain yourself financially? Will you be happier in the long run? Think of these questions in every possible scenario.
— Am I okay with the thought of a new life? If you are forced to move from your home, will your kids be okay with a new school and new friends? Will you be able to handle all the added responsibility? Think about all of the changes that will take place for you personally and figure out if, for you, these changes are manageable.
— Have circumstances made it necessary for me to end this marriage — affairs or abuse? If the affairs or abuse has stopped, is it possible to put things back together? The roadblock often comes when one partner doesn’t want to put in the work or seek counseling and do what it takes in order to gain back the violated spouse’s trust. These are serious problems, and you need to determine for yourself if indeed you will be better off leaving the marriage.
Related Link: Attitude is Key
Divorce is a big decision. Don’t move forward with it until you have exhausted every attempt to fix things in your marriage. Once you are comfortable with your decision, whatever it is, move forward with conviction. I will root for you to go for the save!
For more information about Hope After Divorce, click here.
Janeen Diamond, author of Save Your Marriage in 30, was a newscaster for KUTV News until 2001. Since that time, she has been actively producing commercials and special programming through her company, Your TV Spot. She has hosted several television and internet productions and has been a spokesperson for several products and companies. She is a leader over the youth in her church and takes a special interest in helping kids stay on track with their lives. Janeen is currently co-creating “Teen Impact TV,” a website for high school students to give them a creative and emotional outlet. She is a contributing expert for HopeAfterDivorce.org, DivorceSupportCenter.com, FamilyShare.com, and CupidsPulse.com. Follow her on Twitter @janeendiamond and www.facebook.com/janeendiamond.
