Country crooner Carrie Underwood and Gossip Girl star Chace Crawford ended their fling via text. Similarly, rumor has it that John Mayer called it quits with on-again, off-again girlfriend Jennifer Aniston by text. Most recently, Katy Perry revealed that Russell Brand, her husband of 14 months, announced his intentions to divorce via text. These celebrity examples — and countless real-world stories— are the impetus behind Ruthie and Michael Dean’s new book, Real Men Don’t Text: A New Approach to Dating. While the title suggests that the book is aimed at women, in truth, it’s meant for anyone who’s single and searching for love. The couple’s new approach to dating comes down to a simple idea: “You have to be the right person that the right person is looking for,” explains Michael. Find out who you want to be and then go out and find a guy — one who will call you instead of text.
Here, we chat with the newly-minted authors about the love lessons shared in their book as well as what keeps their marriage strong.
What was the spark that inspired you to write this book together?
M: My sister was dating this guy who would text her last minute to get together or just disappear for a few weeks, and she eventually got broken up with via text. It was really annoying for me to watch her go through the emotional ups-and-downs of dealing with him. So I wrote a post for Ruthie’s blog ranting about the experience and called it Real Men Don’t Text. It got a lot of traction and some really great responses from the readers. Ruthie and I started talking about how it was a prevalent issue, something everyone had an opinion on — how technology has taken over some of the important steps of communication in relationships. And from there, the book was born.
Related Link: Is It Okay to Break Up With Someone via Text?
Part of the book’s title is “a new approach to dating.” How would you explain this new approach?
M: It’s about taking a personal inventory. Ask yourself: Am I pleased with my relationship? If you would just take a step back and set new standards for dating, you’d be much happier. You may not get asked out as often, but ultimately, you’ll end up in a relationship that makes you much happier. So the new approach to dating is developing real standards and understanding that you’re worth setting standards, that you’re worth having a guy call you instead of sending a late-night text message.
One of my favorite chapters in the book was about women embracing their own beauty and worth. Why is self-love an important part of a relationship?
R: As I observed my peers and my own dating choices, I realized that low self-esteem and feeling inadequate was often at the root of our decisions. It’s important to find our worth apart from what men say about us because we accept the kind of love we think we deserve. It can be a quick downward spiral when we start letting men define who we are — one that can lead women into detrimental relationships lacking mutual respect. The hard part is that our friends often encourage bad dating decisions and that no one is talking about the importance of self-worth.
You provide a lot of advice for avoiding or breaking up with Mr. Wrong. What are some signals that women should look for to know that someone isn’t right for them?
R: The first signal is his communication style. It’s not that texting is bad, but asking a man to call you instead will help determine if he’s really in it for the right reasons and isn’t just lazily texting and looking for a hookup. Some other red flags are he doesn’t make you feel special; he’s insensitive and lacks empathy for others; he can’t hold down a job; and your friends and family think he’s all wrong for you.
Now, let’s talk a bit about your relationship. Given your own experiences, do you have any tips for our readers who are dating long-distance?
M: I always encourage people to be open to being vulnerable — especially guys. That’s what we learned during the months of talking. Since we weren’t seeing each other face-to-face, it opened up a new avenue that allowed us to discuss some bigger issues sooner than we would’ve otherwise.
Ruthie, how did you know that Michael was The One?
R: I used to hate when people said, “You’ll just know,” but with Michael, I really did. We talked on the phone for four months before meeting, and I think that gave us a strong foundation of communication — without chemistry and the physical aspects of a relationship clouding our vision.
Related Link: Five Secrets Truly Happy Couples Know
How do you balance your busy careers and your marriage?
R: Balancing career and marriage is tough, but the main way it works for us is we’re committed to putting our phones and computer away after 7 o’clock each night. Quality time without phones buzzing goes a long way towards a healthy relationship.
Was it a challenge to work closely together on Real Men Don’t Text?
M: It was definitely a challenge — we work very differently from each other. She’s such a talented writer, and I’m more of an idea-oriented person, so once we found our stride, we really enjoyed the process. If a marriage can survive writing a book together, it can survive anything!
And lastly, why did you feel like including your own love story was an important piece of the book?
R: My desire in writing Real Men Don’t Text was to show women that they’re not alone by sharing my mistakes but also to show that there is hope for an amazing relationship in the future. I think it was necessary to share our story in order to show that dating differently than our friends actually works! No one wants to read a dating book by a single woman, right? I always knew I wanted to write about relationships, but I didn’t feel ‘qualified’ until my choices to date differently actually resulted in a great husband.
You can purchase a copy of Real Men Don’t Text on Amazon and on their site, http://www.realmendonttext.com/. For more information, follow the authors on Twitter — @Ruthie_Dean and @michaeldean10 — or check out Ruthie’s blog, http://ruthiedean.com/.
