By Marni Battista
In recent years, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have had quite the whirlwind romance. The two pop stars were in a much-talked-about long-term relationship before they broke up and have subsequently reunited multiple times…although as of publication, their relationship status could easily have changed again. One thing we do know: breaking up and getting back together multiple times is mostly a good indicator that you should NOT get back together. So should you get back with your ex?
There’s no simple black-and-white answer. The answer will differ for each person and each situation. For example, if you ask your mom, she’ll have a bevvy of “solid” advice based on her experiences. Your sister will issue forth another set of breakup rules she created during her formative relationship experiences. Perhaps one best friend says “forget him,” while the other, who just reconciled successfully with her ex, urges you to take it slow and give it a try.
If you’re considering taking your ex back (and it isn’t the fifth time around like Justin and Selena), what do you need to know first? Here are five things Dating with Dignity advises that you think about before you get back together with your ex.
Related Link: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez Confirm Rumors That They’re Back Together!
1. Why do you want to get back together? Is it because you’re lonely? If you feel as if you’d literally be in a relationship with ANYONE — including the Starbucks barista — because you’re missing a warm body next to your’s each night (and he’s not half bad-looking), you might need to reevaluate getting back together with your ex. However, reasons such as “I don’t think we gave it a good enough shot” or “We’ve both been doing a lot of internal work, and I actually think it will be healthier and more fulfilling if we try again” are both good reasons to give it another go.
If you need to think about it, take at least a few hours and really make sure you’re getting to the core of why you want to try again. Our best advice is don’t respond to his text, email or call immediately. Let it soak in. Consider all the options and then form a responsive (rather than reactive), solid reply to his request.
2. Why did you break up? If any of the reasons for breaking up include addiction, behavior dysfunction, physical or emotional abuse or cheating, the answer is always going to be a clear-cut no. According to most addiction specialists, a person must be sober at least one full year before engaging in a relationship. That said, make sure the timing is right if the reason you broke up involved any form of addiction.
However, if it was a reason such as one of you wasn’t fully out of a prior relationship or one of you needed to focus on some “loving myself” time to really be ready for a relationship, a redo could be a good idea to consider.
3. Is the issue something that’s consistent or a one-time event? If cheating was the reason you broke up but it was an isolated incident, getting back together can be put on the table. However, if it was consistent cheating or a repetitive cycle of adultery or being disrespectful, the chances your relationship will be successful the second time around are very low. One-time events can be something that each individual can work on over time, but it still absolutely needs to be addressed.
Related Link: Lessons We Can Learn from Queen of Heartbreak, Taylor Swift
4. How has your life changed since the split? Evaluate your current lifestyle. Has it improved since your breakup? If yes, it’s probably a good idea to steer clear of your ex. Perhaps you just didn’t feel as good about yourself when you were with him, or your health wasn’t a priority because you were so focused on the relationship. In that case, don’t even think about it.
But if you feel like giving it another try could improve your quality of life, it may be worth reaching out or responding to him if he’s been attempting to contact you. The reason to get back into a relationship isn’t because you feel like you need him to be complete or happy. Instead, make sure you’re coming from a place of “wanting” the relationship to enhance an already fulfilling and sweet life.
5. Let him show you, not tell you. Is your ex starting to show up repeatedly? Can you see the changes in his life? Did he finalize his divorce or get a new job? Has his demeanor changed? Are your interactions different? Does it really seem as though he’s worked on the shortcomings that led to the end of your relationship? Words are great, but actions are everything. So if you can see notable changes in someone, it can be a great indicator of a high chance of success in your “new relationship.”
Remember, if you get back together with an ex, you must start over. The time you spent apart allows you a clean break for you to begin to date again. Don’t rush into anything and don’t try to pick up where you left off. Have realistic expectations and pace the relationship just as you would with a brand new suitor. Hopping into bed with your ex right away and assuming you’ll be back to exactly how you were before is a great way NOT to be successful in trying again. Collect data, have fun, make sure to keep your non-negotiables in place, and make sure you keep your three c’s top of mind: compatibility, chemistry and communication!
Marni Battista, founder of Dating with Dignity, is an expert dating and life coach with a 10-step system to manifesting love for your self and others. You can contact Marni at marni@datingwithdignity.com.
