By Tori Autumn
At some point, many people have to say, “We need to talk,” to their partner, a phrase that could affect the relationship moving forward. Some examples of sensitive topics include moving in, talking about marriage, having children, being committed, financial responsibilities, arguments with family members, unresolved conflict, or the decision to separate.
How to make that tough talk with your partner easier!
Ultimately, the reason why you shouldn’t be afraid to have tough talks with your partner is that having uncomfortable conversations test the strength of a long-term relationship.
Related Link: Expert Dating Advice: Three Reasons Why My Worst Relationship Brought Me to My Best Relationship
Here are some tips for nailing those difficult talks:
1. Make the Setting a Place You Feel Most Comfortable
The setting of the conversation sets the tone and could make a difference for how you both begin and end the talk. You can find a spot with little to no distractions, get there a little earlier so that you can feel relaxed, and have a general outline (mentally or written down) of the main points you want to talk about.
2. Practice Detaching From the Outcome
You are responsible for what you say, but you can’t control how someone will react to what you’ve said. One of the biggest reasons why we delay tough talks is because we allow the fear of thinking our partner will get upset or change the way they feel about us to hold us back.
However, deciding to not have the needed conversation that you want keeps your true feelings on the back-burner. Instead of focusing on what goes wrong, the goals to be understood and to understand your partner should take priority.
In an interview actor Will Smith’s wife, Jada Pinkett-Smith talks about how she felt drained after hitting a wall in her marriage while trying to juggle her family’s multiple careers. After admitting this, she said, “I just knew with the kind of love that Will and I share — which is beyond romantic love — that we could transform our union and figure out how to re-create what we had.” She went on to say that she believed she and Will had the tools to keep a healthy relationship and family together.
If you know your partner pretty well, the outcome of the conversation was probably going to happen eventually, but speaking up about what’s on your heart now gives you both the accountability to move forward accordingly.
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3. Give Your Partner the Opportunity to Express His/Her Feelings
After you’re done speaking, let your partner get his/her time to react and say how they feel. This time is as equally important as when you led the conversation, so be fully present and listen, rather than speak defensively.
Tough talks do not necessarily get easier over time, but the way to have them is to start with lighter conversations and gradually move up into more honest conversations. Deciding to push past the awkwardness will give you the opportunity to express yourself and see how your partner really feels.
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Tori Autumn is a certified relationship coach, blogger, and author. Her coaching business is named Tori Autumn Coaching and her website is tautumncoaching.com.
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