Your relationship began as a magical journey: Anticipating each other’s needs, having fun, good conversations, and great sex. Now, the “little quirks” you initially liked are making you nuts. You’re not getting what you put in. You’ve tried to argue it out, spend time away, or are waiting for your partner to change. “It’s better than being alone,” you tell yourself. Instincts tell you to separate, yet at this fork in the road, you hesitate.
These relationship advice tips will help you resolve being fed-up when you can’t break-up.
Values Adjustment
People want to be loved in the same way they see love. Jennifer Lopez allegedly broke up with Casper Smart because he was “valuing friends over her,” while she “valued partners first.” If you’re not being loved the way you need, but you are not addressing it, think, “What would I want my own child to do in this situation?”
In J. Lo’s case, sources say she breaks up and gets back together with Casper when this happens. It’s important to see the rules for your loved ones as the rules for yourself. Why are you on a lower pedestal? How you behave and what you accept teaches your loved ones more than what you say. If something is truly a deal breaker, own it.
Making it YOUR failure.
If you believe a break-up is a failure, you’ve been tricked into believing you’re responsible for their behavior. Beyoncé is allegedly fed-up with Jay-Z’s affairs. Insiders report that she wants to appear “strong” and therefore might feel pressure to break it off. At the same time, ending the marriage might seem like a “failure.”
But, relationships don’t fail; they run their course. The only failure is to know it’s over and allow complacency to take over. Though her album “Lemonade” shows her resiliency, she may be settling for “not failing” over “fidelity.”
Waiting for Change
Boy George was onto something when he sang “Time Don’t Give Me Time.” More time going down this same road will get you lost.
Larry King and wife Shawn allegedly have a tumultuous relationship and sleep separately. Shawn’s most recent (alleged) sex scandal with Richard Greene has supposedly left Larry fed-up. Sources say Larry’s concerned about the children and is also waiting for Shawn to settle down. But time doesn’t lead to change in people; only change does.
If there’s nothing left to try and no new information to obtain, it’s fear paralyzing you from making the “wrong decision.”
The “Wrong Decision”
Nobody wants to make the wrong decision. Celebrity couples are in the public eye and criticized for their choices, which adds to their pressure. However, there’s no such thing as a wrong decision. There are always good and bad aspects. Having to make the “right decision” will keep you riding the wheel of rumination and avoiding action, because it doesn’t exist. You can survive staying or going, and so can your children. It’s about picking your path and making it work.
“No Pain no Gain”
No matter what you do, there’s no way to avoid pain. You cannot think, sing, or buy your way out of it. You have to go through it. There’s pain involved in settling for a relationship that’s not working … and pain involved in detaching and moving forward. It may “feel” like you can’t handle the pain, but feelings lie. The pain we feel after a loss makes us learn and grow.
Summary
Many people, including celebrities, stay stuck in relationships feeling fed-up. No matter how fed-up you are, it can be difficult to take your next step, whether it’s a break-up or make-up. There is no “right decision.” Pain comes and goes. It may be more difficult to stay stuck in the long run.
Dr. Paul DePompo is a psychologist, author, speaker, researcher, and recognized as an expert in helping people learn how to be their own coaches and make lasting change. He is the founder of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Institute of Southern California. DePompo is Board Certified in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, is a Diplomate of the Academy of Cognitive Therapy, and is the director of the only affiliated training center of the Albert Ellis Institute in California conducting trainings for psychologist in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. He also consults with Hollywood studios regarding psychological matters. Most recently, he co-authored a book called ‘The Other Woman’s Affair.’
