There are so many roadblocks to lasting, loving, relationships in our lives that I canâ€™t help but to cringe when I hear some of the dealbreakers that people throw up on those cockamamie love lists they construct.
Canâ€™t be black, canâ€™t be divorced, canâ€™t be under 6â€™1â€ť, canâ€™t make less than one-hundred grand a year, canâ€™t drive a hooptie (if youâ€™re unfamiliar with the term â€śhooptieâ€ť consult your urban dictionary) blah, blah, blah.
Why do we do it?Â Whatâ€™s worse, we often fail to acknowledge our own shortcomings as we judge the next person.Â Boy, we can be self-centered. But thatâ€™s another story to be told another time. Some of these â€ścanâ€™t beâ€™sâ€ť appear on these lists with rather alarming regularity.Â Canâ€™t be divorced?? Are you kidding?Â Good luck with that one after age 30.
And thereâ€™s such an overt bias against single parents or adults with kids from a previous relationship â€” wow!Â When you think about the debris of judgment these folks have to swim through in the dating pool on a regular basis, it boggles the mind.Â Why are they so persecuted? Why are they filtered out so quickly?
Yes, thereâ€™s plenty of baby-mama/baby-daddy drama to spare in many a single mom/dadâ€™s world.Â But Iâ€™d submit that itâ€™s not always a nightmare. As a matter of fact, Iâ€™d say itâ€™s not nearly as awful a situation as we trick ourselves into believing itâ€™ll be. But since we only hear about the disastrous outcomes of single-parent dating, we assume itâ€™s the rule and not the exception.Â No oneâ€™s more averse to drama than yours truly, but Iâ€™d at least take a chance before taking the blanket approach to all single moms.
Ok, so if the guy has 9 kids by 8 women or if sheâ€™s got 5 kids by 4 guys, there may be some issues.Â I cede the point.Â But if youâ€™re really into a guy who has children from a previous relationship, why would you cut yourself off from him for that reason alone?
Related: 5 Signs You’re Not Ready for Dating
â€śMarcus, he was soooo great, but heâ€™s got a kid.â€ťÂ Iâ€™ve heard this a million times, yet I still donâ€™t completely get it.Â And Iâ€™m uncertain which gender draws a harder line on kids.Â From my own, unscientific poll, it seems that guys are a little more willing to date a woman who has kids from a prior marriage or relationship â€” but I could be wrong.
Mark this day on your calendar. Marcus Osborne said, â€śI could be wrong.â€ť
I do notice a dramatic difference in the dating attitude of the men I know who have kids, whether their kids live with them or their exes. The single moms are quite often paralyzed by the fear of rejection: â€śWhat guy is going to want to date a woman with kids?â€ť
Should I even get into the whole â€śmotherâ€™s guiltâ€ť thing?Â You know, the idea that as a single mom the only thing you should be worried about is being a mom.Â The notion that the only way you can be a good mom is to forego a love life or social life until the kids are all grown up and out of the home.
Personally, I think that idea is great â€” in theory.Â In practice I think it often results in lives that feel incomplete.Â And how can your kids be happy if they see that youâ€™re unhappy?Â Worse yet, they quite possibly could blame themselves for your unhappiness or loneliness.Â But hey, youâ€™re a single mom, you donâ€™t deserve to a partner, right?
On the other hand, the guys, though they may experience some trepidation about stepping into the dating world, seem far more willing to take their swings at love again.
Iâ€™m certainly not an advocate of having a bedroom with a rotating door.Â I think weâ€™ve all seen and heard and learned enough to know that a single parent with a carousel of bed buddies probably isnâ€™t good for the childrenâ€™s emotional health and well-being.Â But tell me please, whatâ€™s wrong with a responsible single parent going out on responsible dates with respectable people?
How on earth is this a bad thing?