“I teach women to be ladies and men to be gentlemen,” says model turned relationship coach, Melanie Mar who has worked with Hollywood’s most elite celebrities and couples to help them find love in their life and more importantly, within themselves.
Melanie Mar is the founder of Melanie Mar International and a partner of Patti Stanger’s Millionaire’s Club Matchmaking Agency. You may also recognize her from last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, where she is seen coaching Taylor Armstrong about her marriage to Russell Armstrong. We had the chance to catch up with Mar and get her advice for couples in a relationship, as well as for those who are navigating the single scene. She offered some amazing insight. Ladies take note.
One of the most common dating challenges for single women who live in big cities like LA or NY is that they find it too hard to meet a man. “Women have become much more independent and now they’re competing with men,” says Mar. “There’s a lot of masculinity out there these days and it takes so much courage for today’s man to approach today’s woman. He has no idea what reaction he’ll get,” she explains.
Mar continues by noting that anytime women are working, it means they’re using their left brain, which is their logical and doing mode, it’s the one that’s needed to do a job successfully. The opposite lobe is where our emotions lie. Interestingly, the left brain is also the lobe that men use, hence where the competitiveness comes into play.
“There are four people in every relationship because we’re all masculine and we’re all feminine. You know when you’re being one or the other. In fact, one of the things that I tell my women [clients] when they’re struggling with this is when you’ve finished work, come home and take one hour and do something feminine. I don’t care if it’s taking a bath, walking the dog, or playing music. I don’t care what it is, but get into that feminine side.”
A Harvard study on why we marry found that approximately two-thirds of women marry for status and stability and the other 33 percent marry for sensual and sexual pleasure. However, the study found the exact opposite for men — where two-thirds of men marry for the sensual and sexual. When these men come home after work, they want to come home to a sensual home — meaning they don’t want to work or compete once they’ve walked in the door.
“If you’re a woman who wants a “real” man, turn it off when you get home,” Mar advises. “It’s so crucial to take that one hour — and you should tell your partner that you need to do this to become a better girlfriend, wife, or significant other. It’s so important for women not to compete, control or conquer their men because you won’t respect them and the men if they’re real men, won’t tolerate it. You’ll be banging heads every time you open your mouth.”
Mar’s generously offered some tips for those looking to find that special someone:
- Stop going out in groups: It takes a lot of guts for a guy to approach a woman, much less a group of women. Mar advises if you’re specifically going out to meet a guy, then don’t go out with more than one girlfriend. If a man does approach you, remember to be nice to him even if you’re not interested (unless he is a drunk or a creep of course!), since he mustered up a lot of courage to come talk to you.
- Make your body language very clear: Look around. Find a guy you’re interested in. Make eye contact, hold it and SMILE. Melanie calls that “dropping the hanky” and men need a hanky dropped! It’s very difficult for men to understand what women are doing so Mar always says to “drop the hanky,” hold the look, smile, and be open and inviting because he’s taking cues from your body signals.
- Do not sit there, huddled in a deep conversation with your girlfriends: Enough said.
- Do not go up to him: Let him come to you. And if he still doesn’t approach you, then you know that you did your part. He’s either in a relationship, not interested or gay.
- Keep the ball in his court: If he gives you his business card, turn it over, write your number on the back, and hand it back to him.
- Let him chase you: “That’s another mistake today’s woman is making,” says Mar. “Women are calling, texting, inviting — making it far too easy for men. He doesn’t want it to be that easy. He might think he does, but he doesn’t. He wants to work for it.”
- Flirt five times a day for five minutes: Practice on guys that you’re not interested in. Smile at a guy at Starbucks. Catch the eye of a guy in the grocery store. Wherever you go — practice. You may not be into them, but you’re practicing flirting. Some of them will come up and want to talk to you, but that’s more practice (just don’t forget to be polite when exiting the conversation). Eventually, you’ll see a guy who you like and it won’t be difficult because you’ve done it so many times.
- Ask yourself what type of guy you like and go where they would go: If you want a business guy who is worldly then go to an elegant hotel bar like the side bar at Beverly Wilshire. If you want a younger person who is more hip, then go to a trendy restaurant like Boa. If you want a church guy, then go to church. Make sure you’ve answered these questions before you step out the door.
Not wanting to leave anyone out, Mar’s also offered advice for those who are already in a relationship:
- Get a verbal contract: “I’m not a moralist, but when you decide to sleep with a guy, it does make a difference.” Mar says that having a verbal contract is important so that you both are clear about what you’re doing. “I don’t care what that contract is. I don’t care if you have one that says this is a one night stand but you need one. “There’s nothing worse than a woman having sex with a man and presuming that they’re in a monogamous relationship. Just because a woman spends a month or two getting to know a guy doesn’t mean he isn’t dating other people. A verbal contract will let you know where you stand so that you’re both clear on your expectations.
- Negotiate time, sex, money and space: Take “time” for example. You say it’s important to have a certain amount of time to yourself – negotiate with your partner how much time that is. For each of these categories, you should also negotiate “I,” “We,” and “Us.” The “I” is time by yourself, the “We” is what you guys do together, and the “Us” is what you’re doing together with other people. “It’s really important to negotiate these things in order to keep the lines of communication open. If you do this, then the arguments are less and the peaceful atmosphere is more.” Melanie advises couples to negotiate often: every two months during the first year, every three months during the second year and every six months after that.
- It always comes back to communication: “If you can’t communicate, you’re in trouble. If you can logically communicate with each other, then you’re already ahead of the game.”
- Sex is important: You need to negotiate what’s right for each of you and find that middle ground that you’re both happy with. “If it happens more than what you negotiated, and you both were in mutual agreement, then that’s great. If it’s less, then you need to work on it,” says Mar.
- Reconnect with your feminine side: Take a bubble bath, drink a glass of wine, do your nails — just do something feminine.
- Communicate clearly and often: “What I teach is so important because verbal communication only takes up 15 percent of our communication … so you better make sure what comes out of your mouth makes sense.”