By Whitney Johnson

On this week’s Single in Stilettos dating advice video, founder and relationship expert Suzanne Oshima talks to relationship author Duana Welch about why smart, successful women can fail at love. “I was in grad school getting a doctorate in the social sciences, and I realized that I was pretty good at that, but I really wasn’t good at love,” Welch shares. “I knew there was something that I was doing wrong — because the common denominator in all of my relationships was me.” Here, she shares three reasons why succeeding at love is hard for so many women.

Relationship Author Duana Welch Is Interviewed in Dating Advice Video

1. The things women do to succeed at work don’t work in the world of dating: At work, women are told to put themselves forward, pursue what they want, and lead their co-workers, but in a relationship, those qualities are often unrewarded. “Research shows that women who routinely pursue men are seen as low-status and not good wife material,” Welch explains. “I hate that!”

“If I liked a man…I was kind of shoving myself down his throat,” the relationship author adds of her own dating mishaps. “Of course, I didn’t see it that way. There’s never been a perfume called Desperation, and there never will be. But in the world of work, that stuff works.”

Related Link: Expert Dating Advice: How to Move a Stagnant Relationship to Commitment

2. Some men hold a woman’s success against her: There was a study done where researchers put up two identical dating profiles. One emphasized the woman being young and beautiful, while the other focused on her being an educated, high-powered attorney. Unfortunately, it’s no surprise that the first profile got a lot more hits. “One reason is because men respond to youth and beauty, but it’s also because men are intimidated by women who have achieved more than they have,” Welch explains.

Related Link: Expert Dating Advice: Times Women Say ‘Yes’ But Shouldn’t

3. We have a confirmation bias: In other words, we see what we want to see. “You fall in bed and fall in love, and then you find out the dealbreakers,” Welch shares. Instead, spare yourself the pain and take early action to determine your must-haves and dealbreakers. Then, you’ll be able to make a more informed decisions about your emotions.

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