By Whitney Johnson

On this week’s Single in Stilettos dating advice video, founder Suzanne Oshima talks to relationship expert Iris Benrubi about what may be blocking you from finding love.

Relationship Expert Iris Benrubi Shares Her Best Dating Advice

1. You don’t understand your attachment strategy: “It comes from your childhood when you were totally dependent on your parents. You had to decide, Can I depend on them or not?” Benrubi explains. For instance, if you had a parent who was inconsistent, you may have developed an anxious attachment strategy, meaning you’re always gauging how close someone is and tend to chase after men. Or if you had a parent who just disappeared, you most likely developed an avoidant attachment style and tend to keep others at a distance. “You need to recognize what you bring to relationships and what you need to do move away from harmful attachment strategies,” the relationship expert adds.

Benrubi also encourages you to learn how to manage your anxiety — whether it’s with meditation, affirmations, breathing, or yoga. If you can’t do it on your own, reach out to a professional for help.

Related Link: Expert Dating Advice: How to Find Love

2. You move inwards after a break-up: It’s so tempting to want to keep your heart safe and say, “I don’t need a man.” “Underneath that, the reality is that we need to be connected to another person romantically,” Benrubi says. We’re actually biologically wired to need people in our life, so don’t let the fear of getting hurt again hold you back from a relationship. “Of course, we can all survive on our own, but we really want to be with that right person,” Oshima adds.

Related Link: Expert Dating Advice: 3 Tips to Turn Around Your Dating Life

3. You don’t know your own worth “In order to get into a relationship with a good man, we need to get really clear on our value,” Benrubi shares. If you’ve been in a partnership with someone who puts you down or had a childhood where you were dismissed or felt invisible, you may try to earn a man’s love. “When you’re in that ‘earn energy,’ he’s up here, and you’re down here. You’re always dog paddling and trying to figure out what you need to do next,” she explains. “It’s exhausting.” If you want a man who respects you, you have to respect yourself first.

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