By Whitney Johnson

On this week’s Single in Stilettos dating advice video, founder and relationship expert Suzanne Oshima talks to relationship expert Iris Benrubi about whether or not you can change a man. “They all come in to change each other,” she says of her clients. “Women especially think they can change their man.”

Relationship Expert Iris Benrubi Shares Her Best Dating Advice

1. You’re not his mother: You don’t want to be in a relationship where you’re the mommy and he’s the child. You have to accept him for the way he is. “You don’t get to shape him. You don’t have a say in whether he measures up or not,” Benrubi explains.

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2. Any change that he makes for you isn’t sustainable: One of the top two mistakes that women make is falling in love with a man’s potential. “If only he would…” If he starts communicating more because you want him to, not because it’s part of who he is, it’s never going to last. “Have you ever tried to get fit or go on a diet for somebody else?” the relationship expert asks. “It doesn’t last that long because the motivation isn’t in there.” If a man wants to change something about himself, great. Otherwise, accept him where he’s at, or move forward if he can’t be what you need.

3. Be clear about what you want: If a guy who dresses nice is important to you, then make that known. If not, let it go. “You have to decide what you’re looking for,” Benrubi says. “Are you looking for the external? Or are you looking for the internal — a guy who loves you and accepts you the way you are?”

Related Link: Expert Dating Advice: 3 Tips to Turn Around Your Dating Life

So if you can’t change a man, can you inspire him to want to change? Start by telling him how you’re feeling — that helps him be receptive to your request. Then, share what you need from him in a way that’s respectful. Finish by explaining what this change would do for you. “A good man ultimately wants to make you happy,” Benrubi shares.

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