By Sarah Christensen Fu

Unless you’re under a rock, you’ve probably heard that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin recently consciously uncoupled. It’s a bummer–I thought they were the golden couple that would shame all other Hollywood divorcees by going the distance. The truth is that it’s not surprising they split if you look at their astrological compatibility. The REAL reason they split is because Gwyneth, a Libra, and Chris, a Pisces, are completely star-crossed.

First, and foremost, let’s take a look at Chris’s horoscope (this is copied directly from Bad Birthdays: The Truth behind Your Crappy Sun Sign):

March 2: “Men are only as faithful as their options,” said comedian Chris Rock. The Pisces ladies and gentlemen born on March 2 find themselves evaluating their options regularly, sometimes consciously and sometimes subconsciously. They love their partner deeply but can’t help but fall prey to other sets of batting eyelashes and whispered sweet words from soft, cherry-like lips. Best to lock March 2 natives in some sort of cage if you plan to maintain a relationship with one.

Basically, Gwyn could have done everything right, and still lost her mopey Pisces poet to exotic temptations. However, Gwyneth brought her own share of icky personality traits to their relationship: she was born on September 27th, making her a vain, pretentious, wishy-washy Libra. No amount of money, class, live-in nannies, or self-righteousness, could have made this love match comfortable enough for people with this couple’s sexiness and financial means to suffer through the rest of their miserable lives together.

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At the core, Libras are obsessed with the thrill of the chase. While Pisces has a deep romantic streak, they are rarely proactive hunters when it comes to romantic interests. Gwyneth basically ended up playing a pathetic, partnerless game of Cat and Mouse, which I guess is just called “Mouse.” Aw. On top of that, Libras born on September 27th have a competitive, determined fire in them, which would explain why Gwyn has tried so hard to be the best mother, wife and GOOP founder on the planet. If Chris had been supportive of all of those endeavors, the two may have found a way to remain the reigning king and queen Hollywood royalty. However, in his Piscean way, Chris very likely criticized and whined about Gwyneth’s stupid lentil and lemon soup and her annoying GOOP colleagues–he actually may have literally gotten sick when she told him she planned to use the term “conscious uncoupling” to describe their split.

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Sigh. They were doomed from the start. However, if you, like me, are still feeling a little low about this celebrity breakup, you should find comfort in the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin probably had hotter sex during their marriage than many, many other celebrity couples. One thing’s for sure: the Libra/Pisces combination emits a whole lotta sparks before it explodes and catches fire, burning everything down with it.

Sarah Christensen Fu is a Virgo (incredibly high-strung and mostly a pain). She lives in Colorado with her husband and three kids, whose astrological signs cause a great deal of chaos and neuroses around the neighborhood.  Visit her at www.hey-sarah.com.